yearning for someone to love me.
and reciprocate.

for i am sad and lonely.
this bleakness becoming more fathomable.
everything is grey
my fingers havent been warm since august

a lil slam...

why should i comply, conform, fit into the little muffin cup you're trying to shove me into?
its aggravating...making me miserable, sad, dull and seemingly hopeless.
the landscape is drab bleak and faded like and old polaroid
gotta get rid of this view.
what i wouldnt give to be inspired
to be excited, enthusiastic, wide eyed and heart pounding so hard it feel like attack!
never yielding to fatigue
drinking coffee and mt dew more more more!!
never eating more than a mouse
that familair feeling in the pit of my stomach
that ache. which became my friend, a friend i liked alot.
a friend that gave me positive feelings about who i was
but you weren't ana, and you weren't mia.
somewhere in the middle like sarah.
enough about you old friend; i shall see you soon, i know.


you think youre going to tell me what to eat?
sorry, i dont like salad.
id rather have a huge fat rib eye and some mashed taters on the side.
if im not emaciated with elbow and knees and ribs protruding, would ya still dig me?
you think you can tell me what to wear?
so i look like every other cookie cutter girl at the mall?
do you not appreciate my values, morals, and originality?
tell me what to listen to because its whats on the radio?
oh, you are a silly little man.

I WIN!!!

last nite was just stupid. went to the hot drink contest with the roomies...hahaha i feel like im still in college! anyway, lindsey met us there and we were supposed to get samples of all the drinks, but for whatever reason, where we were sitting we only ended up getting ONE sample, of which lindsey and i took two. haha thats how we roll. so, we were finally like this is stupid, and i was tired, so i was only going to drop her off at star bar, but then decided i wanted to shoot some pool. so i go in, we meet up with the wheelers and play a couple games. now, earlier in the evening i told kyle, who i will elaborate on momentarily, that i was still going to the sasquatch show, regardless of what tyme i'll get out of work. so, in a nutshell, he ends up saying that hes still hung up on his ex. now, its not like i really liked this kid in the first place, so at this point i decide he's going to become my play thing, and that im going to experiment on him. also because hes extremely vulernable. haha so as awful as this sounds, im not trying to break hearts, i just cant believe the sheer number of dudes hung up on their exs. anyway...
so the poor kid is trying to explain himself through texts and in reply im being, by my standards, a huge bitch. by everyone else's standards, i was probably just being sensible and logical. hes apologizing for every point i make. and then, probably bitchiest of all, i say i shoulda known you were a bad idea when we went dutch at dinner.
:clueless: whats dutch?
halvsies.
oh, im sorry. (again!!) i shoulda paid.
i think i said yes.
haha
so, i just continue to mortify him for pretty much everything he's ever done in his menial little rhode island life, and pretty much his entire existence. then, i think my favourite is when he asks "can we still be friends?" bahahahaha
poor ole chap.

I WIN!


so as previously stated, i stayed to shoot pool with the gang. having already been fired up from this little incident with kyle, i figure why not roll with it. ;-) so i send will, also stupid, a message saying, and i quote:
"by the way, what i wanted to say that one nite, and every nite you've ignored me, is fuck off"
probably not necessary, but its a nice little jab and i was looking to do a great deal of jabbing las nite. had i not been at star bar, with lindsey, and obviously DRUNk, i would not have done this. so he sends something to me like why are you so angry? i start texting back and for some reason i looked up and there he is walking right towards me. i wish i could have seen my own face, because it was completely blind sided. hes saying "really? really? really? (like he does) why are you so angry?" i cant even remember what i said, but it certainly wasnt nice. lindsey said some pretty nasty shit to him to and bought me a beer on his tab. hahahah i was particularily fond of this move. so he goes over to the other side of the bar and i can see him staring at me for like 20 minutes, and then finally he gets up to leave. so that was that, i go home and im stuffing my face, cursing him, and thinking of the audacity of whatever he said to me, because i cannot recall now what that may have been. i go upstairs to go to bed, and he calls me. he wants me to come over. im like "really? really? really? (like he does)" and i said NO. for once. i said no! no no no no NOOOOOO!!!! i said it!!!! im getting better at it. its very empowering to say no. its a strong word like hate, cunt, and other offensive words that i will leave out. tehe
anywho, so i told him no. then he said he was coming to my house. then i said do you even know where i live, and he says i thought you were coming here. i said no again (!). then he says your bed is tiny, i'll call you a cab, and proceeds with pleading me to come to his house. i said no and i rolled over. and then i said:



I WIN.

mish mash

so pretty much since the last post i have not been on the internet at home AT ALL due to my roommates severe lack of responsibility when it comes to bills. we simply just have not paid any electric, cable nor internet since we moved in, which was last may. the cable company, cox, finally shut the cable and internet off about a month ago. luckily i can surf the web and check out mostly what i like to at work, but i always feel weird. anyway. he has the day off today, and he said he was going to "work on the cox" today. i wont believe it till i can come home, flop on the couch and watch the new seasons of flight of the conchords and lost. so exciting! im so bummed im missing it though. also, i need to finish watching the rest of the lost seasons. thank goddess abc has full episodes on their website, and equally thank goddess for hulu!!! :-)


so whats new with me? well, i got this pair of adorable of tan lacey cut-out shoes at target the other day, and i just think they're the greatest. wearing them with dark denim and a yellow and white gingham button up with lime green cardigan and owl belt buckle. i dig it.
also, a friend of myne got me a watch for valentines day....by no means are we dating or even have hung out outside of work, but he said he was gonna get me one cause he "digs my style". i really didnt think he would get me one, but he says he always follows through. i was impressed, surprised, and thought i might cry. hahaha above all, i really vauled that he said stuck to his word. i wish everyone was like that. christ, i wish I was like that. so, im going to make an attempt to try to be true to my word.

also, sara left for boot camp this morning. im always amazed at how fast tyme flies, because i wanted to arrange some sort of going away party/present/somethingoranother and i barely recognized that yesterday was the 18th!! she came by the house and showed me pictures from her trip to brazil-shes going back in september, and i really really really want to go. im gonna try-and gave me this awesome sarong. its red and black print with a huge elephant in the center. so gorgeous. im sad shes leaving; im really sincerely going to miss her. shes one of the coolest, most bad ass chicks ive ever had the pleasure of being friends with. shes definetly one of those people i'll stay in touch with.

joany is getting married september 12. im making a dress for the occassion. i think mike is going to be my date. we'll have a blast.

i sent adam a message saying 'i should not have been gone for so long' from the avett brothers song the ballad of love and hate. unfortunately he didnt understand where i was going with that. so then i blatantly had to say i miss you and it broke my heart to see you when we had lunch the other day. oh, how i miss him. its awful. i shouldnt have had lunch with him; it's just making me miss him more. having uncovered all those feelings was not a well thought out move.

alyshea had the baby last nite around midnite. she named it gavin john. mom said it was a god awful long labour and she finally ended up having a cesarean section due to the heart rate being down a great deal. i still cant comprehend that my kid sister just had a kid. what's more is that her boyfriend is older than me. and most of all though is that i cant keep a consistent relationship for more than a few months at a tyme. what's wrong with this picture?

pam and her man friend, lee, came down last nite and i made a delicious dinner of gemelli pasta with vodka sauce, mushrooms, and sausage. it was amazing...cept it may have been too rich for me because my tummy hurts now :( so dinner was excellent. i want to form an underground dinner club and travel from house to house weekly. i think i like entertaining...maybe i would like it more if i took an ativan before the guests arrive. haha no. really though its the act of cooking and the reaction to my cooking that i like about entertaining.


last nite rachel asked if i decided what to do come may when the lease is up. i told her i was banking on moving to providence cause i cant stay in newport. it still doesnt make any sense to move to providence if i work in newport. its just dumb. but i know i cant live here anymore because i already feel myself being sucked into the vortex that is aquidneck island and i cant get stuck here because then i wont ever leave and ill end up just like everyone else here. im better than that. so anyway, rachel goes on to say that she want to move to brooklyn in sepetember; that shes gonna save money all summer and then leave at the end of the summer. she invited me to go. now, i feel really in between because i dont know what to do in may. more than anything i want to go to NYC. it made me really unsettled when i realized i wouldnt be able to go in may because of the whole "being at a job for a year" thing, and not having any money saved and really, just running out of tyme. if her and i go in september, we can most likely get a decent place to split, and we'd have plenty of tyme to find jobs.
finally, something to look forward to! :D

everything is bleak, dull, grey, and uneventful. i cant get excited about anything. in fact, the only excitement i get takes the shape of anxiety and thats certainly not fun. yoga feels like a restraint on my schedule, yet there isnt anything else i would be doing if i wasnt there. im really bummed that we dont have tv. but its a good thing because im not wasting tyme in front of that damned thing.
i scored an interview with integrata, and like, im not even excited about it. i feel like, okay thats cool. now i have to put my portfolio together and iron clothes and drive all the fuck the way out to the place. i was looking at craigslist earlier, and its like great, i have to look for an apartment in 4 months and thats just annoying as fuck cause i cant get a loft in the mills, and everytihng is too expensive to live in alone. and then i have to move all the piles and boxes and heaps of collections of things that are entirely pointless. i have issues. i collect fabric, and tights, and kitchenware, and magazines. seriously? im going to need a uhaul and alot of friends. oh ha, the friends that i dont have. riiight.
i would like matt to stop bothering me, cause its getting ridiculous. i have to explain things that i really dont have an explaination for. i would like sanatation engineer will to make a fucking effort. not at 3 am, which seems to be about the only tyme he tries to get in touch with me. i would liek to tell craig that i wnat to be his lady, but hes so damned crazy.
i need excitement, but what? and i need to lose like 15 pounds. i might have to fast for when i go to that interview. i should probably try to do that this weekend. and not drink from monday on.

i feel awful. bored, dull, certainly anything but enthused. i just want to get in bed, curl up in down with my new pillows and sleep for days; shades down. the life is being sucked from my body. im uninspired and i can hardly think of anything worse than that.


i want to be more lady-like this year.
act more like a girl-blush, shy, and sweet
develop a 'style' that incorporates everything i like
hi, im brielle. im a designer and preservation architect

i cant help but listen to 'time to pretend' everyday. multiple tymes per day in fact. i think i like it because 'pretend' is in the title, and because its a happy sounding song, although the lyrics arent necessarily all that cheerful, however, due to the synths and catchy peppy poppy beat. but then again, thats kind of directly in correlation with me: bright happy exterior, gooey dark center. um..sounds like chocolate. yum. speaking of! im getting fat, ugh and its awful. its all this sitting and being depressed and stress. its like all in my belly....spare tire syndrome. what! ive been trying to eat better, mostly veggies and fruit and not shitty processed foods, but im gonna tell ya, ive got a serious hankering for a fuckin huge ass cheeseburger with mayo and fries, with mayo, too. oh god. its just like every tyme i think about being fat i think about food and then i want to eat, and then i usually do eat.