a self portrait

today i am dealing with the fact that i often do not feel very feminine in that my proportions are very large for lady i feel. first off, my feet are gargantuan. my hands are not delicate, rather stubby and chunky. though i would think they would be more slender because of the sheer size of them, they are unfortunately not. now, this next realization about my bizarre proportions is a new one. just a few days old. in relation to the other girls i know, or at least the girls that are very pretty, they have petite faces. my skull, compared to theirs, is much larger than these other girls. its almost embarrassing. in fact, i am sort of embarrassed by this point. what i do have on my face that many of these other girls do not is ridiculous cheekbones that protrude from the jowls. my cheeks have sunken in in the past couple of years from my poor eating habits. i believe the only reason i have any fat on my face is because of the great quantity of dark beer i consume. another structurally facial attribute is my jaw line. it leaves the neck with clear distinction, flawlessly creates angles and shadows and connects both sides square in the center with a sweet little chin. in fact, the jaw rises out of a perfect neck, though a little on the abnormally large side, and the neck rises out of square and strong shoulders. collarbones that give way to subtle shadows, and a thin layer of skin over the breast plate. i am also fortunate to be the recipient of the long torso. my legs are large, and really, no muscle definition is prominent; this is not in direct correlation to the power they are capable of exuding. my back, on the other hand, very vividly describes the power i am capable of.

the burns files

"and you know...the big D."
im thinking as fast as i can, a complete perplexed look has washed over my face. i can feel it. what the hell is the big D?
with the risk of sounding like a damned fool, i have to ask. somethings he says are just too cool for me. never heard half the phrases he says. i have indeed been under a rock.
"seriously? you know...depression," he whispers liek someone on the street is going to hear.
oh yes. i know depression; like an old friend. bittersweet. this old friend is paying me a visit; a visit that i never look forward to. well, okay, that may be a lie. thats pretty fucked up, isnt it?

im damn near convinced that everyone hates me. by everyone, i suppose i mean the gentlemen-if i could hardly call any of them gentlemen-that have become the objects of my affection...like all five of them. i just want to say i give up and just let it ride, but then i always feel really lonely and i utterly despise that feeling. so i've got myself in a pickle.
to summarize:
1. matt. i dont think i want to date him again. id liek to stay friends for now.
2. nickyp: for about 2 weeks it was great; we talked on the phone, went to shows, snuggled and watched into the wild. i was like wow, this is going great! and then bam! nothing.
i can hardly get ahold of him. the biggest problem here is that hes totally fucking adorable and sweet..when were actually in contact. and hes got such soft lips.
3. ray: lives in jersey. shy. unemployed. i'd liek to see where things could go, but he lives so far away and we barely know each other.
4. mike: he unabashedly hates me. i broke his heart. ooops. dated briefly for like 2 months. he got way too serious way too fast.
5. CRAIG: cant get to the heart of this. or him, rather. i love him. maybe. he wont give me a fighting chance. i deserve a chance!
6. john: hung out once. havent heard a peep from him since then. what did i do?

of the above, all but 2-maybe more- are mentally unstable. half i have dated once before. and i still dont think ANY of them would take me home to mom and pops.err..i have met 2 sets of parents of the above. one went like this: "this is mom and dad." pause. "but you wont be calling them mom and dad." ouch. disastrous!


oh, and i have no friends that are girls.
except for steph. but she lives 5 hours away.

nite in prov

this is why a.) im afraid to fly solo in public anymore and b.) why i cant stand a certain people. matt meets me in prov last nite for dinner and drinks to celebrate my birthday. how sweet? especially seeing as i kinda trampled his poor little heart about 9 months ago. oops! im just happy hes a nice guy and forgave me.
anyway. we went to tortilla flats for cokes and sic mexican food. drove over to the wild colonial had a round of guinesses, and ended up at the red fez. we're standing outside smokin butts and giggling when i hear something behind me. a black maxima drives by, stops-in the street- and the reverse lights come on. 'oh shit.' i say this to matt, as well as, 'here comes.' so the maxima reverses to where we are standing, dude leans out the window and says 'is that your girlfriend?' 'yes' i respond before matt can get a word out edgewise. though i cant see him, i know hes standing behind me completely perplexed and unaware of what this whole interaction is about. i know this scenario all too well; its happened more tymes than i can keep track of. pulling his head back in the car, dude thinks to himself for a minute, leans back out with 'is one of yo parents black?' 'hahahaha no,' i say. dude looks at me, goes 'dammmn,' shakes his head and rolls off down the street. now, honestly, its not like i was dressed up like a YEA girl. i was sporting jeans, chucks, pompadour and leather jacket-faux. SERIOUSLY now. i never look twice at dudes sporting gel-only wax-and fancy button up shirts bought at the mall. PLUS, i do not advertise that i like your kind, so back the eff off. yes, matt and i were in sketchville prov downtown, but that behaviour is irrational and absurd in any kind of neighbourhood. ugh. vomit. i turn to matt, standing against the building going over the whole minute and a half interaction; hes completely dumbfounded. we both lost it.

being crazy aint no fun

i have never felt more strange in my life. while trying to patch in another person on a conference call, i suddenly couldn't make sense of what i was trying to do, and thus, the redness in the face, the feeling of my skin burning through my clothes, and an overall disorientation and dizziness. not being able to process thoughts, and thus no coherence. my head feels like it weighs so much that my neck, nor the rest of my body, can hold it up there. and, no. dont even make cracks about having a 'big head' because the truth is, it is all shriveled up. what just happened? why? is it all part of being a crazy person? must be. yikes!

happy happy birthday to me.

http://www.livescience.com/space/081211-full-moon-biggest.html

today, december 12, is my birthday. i turned 24 at 9 am-ish this
morning. on this day, in four years into the future, the Mayans
predict the earth will cease existence. in march of 2000 (dbl check)
as i wrapped my beloved '82 Monte around a telephone pole, a meteor
just barely grazed the upper most layer of the atmosphere, nearly
terminating all life on earth, and earth itself. now, today, as the
moon rises, it will be the largest full moon of the whole year. all
for me. pretty spectacular, no?
i always thought the car accident wouldnt have mattered if that meteor
hit the earth, cause suddenly, all that would have mattered was that i
survived the crash, and the love and support my family and 2 best
friends provided. sitting here today, having survived x number more
potentially fatal car accidents, and im sure more near devastating
terrestrial events, i cant say they have all crossed points in tyme,
and happened to wreck havoc at the same moments in tyme-if that makes
any sense whatsoever. but, as i sit here and think about what has
happened, and the moon as it grows to its fullest on MY day of birth,
it reminds me that myself, and the moon, are made of the same
elements. just like myself and that meteor. this makes me appreciate
and remind me of my connection with nature. makes me wonder if my
presence in this life on this earth is something of great value. ha. i
believe by thinking this i am only doing myself a favour and so
desperately hoping that my existence may actually mean something and
that my thought of me being nothing more than a stepping stone, a
trail marker for others to pass rather than actually having some sort
of reason for being here.



bettie page, at 85 passed just yesterday, having a heart attack just last week.

what's eatting bitchy brielle?

everyone is short on cash this holiday season. thats a fact. EVERYONE. except for those damn republicans....that's for another tyme.
anyway, currently at hand:
i have a ton of presents to buy this year and a real long way to stretch my dollars, so when i see " inexpensive green gifts" i think awesome! affordable, environmentally conscious gifts! right. if i could only afford it. ranging between $25-50 is hardly inexpensive. who exactly is better homes and gardens targeting? certainly not me. certainly not my mother. christ, that is NOT accommodating in price to anyone i know.
next. you cannot call a $50 scarf a 'stocking stuffer.' "yo, here is this sweet stocking stuffed to the brim with stuffers from $50-$25,000." thats how I'm banking on my future fiance to propose to me...with a sweet little tiffany's ring in the very toe of a stocking. right. i'll keep praying.

more to follow. it does not stop here....

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