uld cry at the drop of a hat today. i know why: because i always feel like no one likes me. that stupid janitor never called like he said he would. so i nonchalantly waited up as late as i could and woke up swinging when i heard my phone go off. now im tired at my desk and thats making me angry. i just want to go to sleep; sure dont want to go to yoga. the christmas party is tonite, and while i think that will be fun, i just dont care. brian is going with me..but i guess he asked the new girl. he was all knocked out by the mike drama, which is also pissing me off. christ. fuck it all. i just dont understand why everyone cant be straight up all the tyme. i am. its not hard. im sick of being dicked around. i dont know why i waste tyme on these pathetic losers. like honestly brielle, a fucking janitor? honest to god. it was bad enough that adam stocked the coolers at stop and shop. i know why i go for those people with those menial jobs though. its because they arent getting stuck by the corporations...or wait, maybe they are. umm..i need better wording than that. err..they arent directly contributing to corporate, capitalistic, suburban sprawling, america. they arent the ones in the seat of the CEO. they're blue collar workers, which i like, and which is very important to me. they arent contributing to the demise of america. they 'get it'. its not like those hoity toity corporate fucks that are spoon fed and willing to take out anyone in their way.

i dont know. im pissed and im rambling.
give this shit some more structure.

um, i am becoming exceedingly nervous about being a boring person. i go to work, go home for lunch, back to work, i dont daydream anymore, go home, make dinner or have leftovers, watch tv, snuggle with kitties, go to sleep around 11. only this past weekend i went out pretty hard and surprisingly had a lovely tyme. except for spending so much money. but i met new people, was relaxed (!) and maybe had some inspiration. yay!
besides yoga and swing, i dont go anywhere else. the craft store doestn count. i thought about meeting people at the grocery store. i went after work last week and there wasnt anyoen there to be interested in. oie. i gave up on craig which is in my best interest. i dont have any friends, i dont care to try to meet people around here cause they're all the same. i have gained a little weight and have been feeling pretty down on myself. i put some eye liner on a couple days ago and it made me feel surprisingly better. so i painted my nails too. made me think about the extra weight ive put on. i think when im happier with who i am i eat less. so, ive been trying to be happy about myself. its working. all of yesterday and today. whoop! hahaha i cant believe i cant button my blue cult jeans...that makes me really sad, but then again, they were awful tight when i bought em anyway. so, in like a month i hope to be able to wear them out. and actually be able to sit. hahaha

back to being 'boring'. all i do is sit in this office and it dulls my brain. the days drag on and i have no energy. when i home from work all i want to do is eat and watch tv. i dotn read, check out magazines, or mmmeeeee! nothing. i just feel liek another zombie in society. i dont which is worse-the restaurant? its frustrating to feel like my blood has turned to sludge and my creativity looks like a raisin or dried up capilaries. it feels weird. i dont liek it.


by the way, oh man, whatever happened to TINC???!?!?!

corprate fucks

corporate slimes. networking cheese sleaze. all so you can clink glasses at that place down the street with the brass handrails, marble sinks, and mahogany bar. and laugh that god awful laugh. toasting and sipping $10 martinis. beefeater. belevedere. its alll in your last name. on the tag of your jacket. the tailor of your pants. the leather of the back of the animal you wear on your feet. the soft and luxurious pelt your wife wraps herself in when you go to 'functions'. but do you love her? shes just part of the package. shes the last piece of the american dream puzzle for the upper echelon. if you had it your way, maybe you would have been a farmer, or a lumber jack, or a plumber. naw. you believe it doesnt get any better than this. this is what everyone wants and you have it. you love that. you love that more than your wife. but maybe not more than your 60K auto. donate your money, but you wouldnt lift a finger, or get in the mud to physically help those you make your donations. you dont see things like me. you and i are much different, friend. you think everyone is your friend. are you sure they arent just friends of your money? or is it just your insecurities which subconsciously makes you label every person you've ever spoken with your 'friend'? your best man from college rugby. your barista at the local starbucks. waht about that cafe down the street?

i know this is vague, but it has to be...

ugh i get so nervous cause i wonder if certain people are or are not fond of me. i think it sounds silly because i think it all the tyme, but really though.i think all the people that i need to receive recognition from dont care for me, but all the people that dont matter think highly of me. i just want to know the truth. christ, i am so bored.
well, i suppose the fact of the matter is that i dont think ANYONE likes me. and that maybe the most depressing of all. ugh im so lame. its awful :(

im a damned hypocrite

im a damned hypocrite and that makes me so angry. just yesterday i was supposed to start my diet, and i did. in fact, it was all going well until i got home around midnite and ate 2 pieces of pizza, which ended up making me very sick later in the night. worse than that though, is also just yesterday i wrote that "im so over drinking and getting drunk" and how stupid the whole thing is. so of course, i ended up getting wasted last nite. 4 beers and a mix drink. i was nervous as hell, but im not making excuses for myself. i didnt realize how quick they were going down and by the tyme i was driving home i couldnt even see straight. i had to one eye it. ugh omg. im getting nervous just htinking about it. now, its not that i want to quit drinking entirely, i just dont want to waste all my money and get loose like that. the other thing about last nite is that i got paid $50 to hostess trivia, and i walked out with $5. i think sparks miscalculated, or either i left him a $20 tip. thats money that i could have put towards the new orleans trip, or a camera, or sometihng concrete instead of getting so wasted i cant see. ugh im disgusted. today is a new day though. im trying to keep my head up and not get too down about this. i feel awful. i let myself down. this could be the worst feeling ever. im sad.

the burns files vol. II

im happy today, but im restless. im really frustrated, money nervous, and irritated that i think my flesh would bubble up and burst right off of the muscles. and then im calm and complacent. does this mean im bi polar? naw i dont think so. so much misdiagnoses in america. its stupid. or does it just mean that im neurotic, worried, anxious, and depressed?
went to craig's last nite. oie, that man. we talked alot, for once. he showed me a box full of photographs from when he was younger-how sweet? his hands were just as beautiful then. is that weird that i noticed? haha i think hes more handsome now ;) left around 10:30. it is what it is...he and i wont ever be a "couple" but im okay with that now. i guess. that doesnt mean i dont think that i dont love him any longer though. i think i always will. even if i was married, etc and he asked me, i would. absolutely. or at least, i say that now. who knows.

im inspired today. but stifled because i have to work tonite. damn that restaurant! i want to get on my sewing machine. i did for a little while yesterday, but then i had to make dinner and leave. so it wasnt long enough! also, i want to learn other stitches in knitting, write, photograph, and work on some art projects. ive been scared to begin for more than 6 months-at least. i dont know whats wrong. must be like the equivalent of writers block.

a self portrait

today i am dealing with the fact that i often do not feel very feminine in that my proportions are very large for lady i feel. first off, my feet are gargantuan. my hands are not delicate, rather stubby and chunky. though i would think they would be more slender because of the sheer size of them, they are unfortunately not. now, this next realization about my bizarre proportions is a new one. just a few days old. in relation to the other girls i know, or at least the girls that are very pretty, they have petite faces. my skull, compared to theirs, is much larger than these other girls. its almost embarrassing. in fact, i am sort of embarrassed by this point. what i do have on my face that many of these other girls do not is ridiculous cheekbones that protrude from the jowls. my cheeks have sunken in in the past couple of years from my poor eating habits. i believe the only reason i have any fat on my face is because of the great quantity of dark beer i consume. another structurally facial attribute is my jaw line. it leaves the neck with clear distinction, flawlessly creates angles and shadows and connects both sides square in the center with a sweet little chin. in fact, the jaw rises out of a perfect neck, though a little on the abnormally large side, and the neck rises out of square and strong shoulders. collarbones that give way to subtle shadows, and a thin layer of skin over the breast plate. i am also fortunate to be the recipient of the long torso. my legs are large, and really, no muscle definition is prominent; this is not in direct correlation to the power they are capable of exuding. my back, on the other hand, very vividly describes the power i am capable of.