the burns files

"and you know...the big D."
im thinking as fast as i can, a complete perplexed look has washed over my face. i can feel it. what the hell is the big D?
with the risk of sounding like a damned fool, i have to ask. somethings he says are just too cool for me. never heard half the phrases he says. i have indeed been under a rock.
"seriously? you know...depression," he whispers liek someone on the street is going to hear.
oh yes. i know depression; like an old friend. bittersweet. this old friend is paying me a visit; a visit that i never look forward to. well, okay, that may be a lie. thats pretty fucked up, isnt it?

im damn near convinced that everyone hates me. by everyone, i suppose i mean the gentlemen-if i could hardly call any of them gentlemen-that have become the objects of my affection...like all five of them. i just want to say i give up and just let it ride, but then i always feel really lonely and i utterly despise that feeling. so i've got myself in a pickle.
to summarize:
1. matt. i dont think i want to date him again. id liek to stay friends for now.
2. nickyp: for about 2 weeks it was great; we talked on the phone, went to shows, snuggled and watched into the wild. i was like wow, this is going great! and then bam! nothing.
i can hardly get ahold of him. the biggest problem here is that hes totally fucking adorable and sweet..when were actually in contact. and hes got such soft lips.
3. ray: lives in jersey. shy. unemployed. i'd liek to see where things could go, but he lives so far away and we barely know each other.
4. mike: he unabashedly hates me. i broke his heart. ooops. dated briefly for like 2 months. he got way too serious way too fast.
5. CRAIG: cant get to the heart of this. or him, rather. i love him. maybe. he wont give me a fighting chance. i deserve a chance!
6. john: hung out once. havent heard a peep from him since then. what did i do?

of the above, all but 2-maybe more- are mentally unstable. half i have dated once before. and i still dont think ANY of them would take me home to mom and pops.err..i have met 2 sets of parents of the above. one went like this: "this is mom and dad." pause. "but you wont be calling them mom and dad." ouch. disastrous!


oh, and i have no friends that are girls.
except for steph. but she lives 5 hours away.